It was a lie when I said that i'm moving on steadily,when in fact i'm actually moving on Unsteadily. One moment i'm so busy and stressed by new university life,next moment when i'm lying on bed,preparing to sleep,and the memories just suddenly flood in without warning and i'm crying like it was just yesterday I lost my treasure. There are moments when I feel suicidal,but the idea is just in my head,I know I won't do it,and the stupid ghost story of people jumping from the top of the building remind me how creepy it is=.= But sometimes when the weight of the world is so heavy,when I think of my parents,you,the people around me,people that are important to me, but never once doing anything that makes them really happy or proud,the weight is so heavy,I wish I could just disappear from this world,forever. Take the weight off my shoulders,be a selfish person. But at the same time,i'm a coward, afraid of hurting someone permanently.
"Love is an untamed force. When we try to control it, it destroys us. When we try to imprison it, it enslaves us. When we try to understand it, it leaves us feeling lost and confused." Another one of my favorite quote from the book. The first few months after we said "goodbye", was the shittiest months of my life. Before ever having a relationship, I remember snorting and thinking how stupid all those couples that broke up but still can't stop thinking about him or her, in my mind thinking,"just forget about that person that broke your heart, why waste time being sad and waste tears for people that will no longer give a damn, so not worth it." When the real shit hit me, when I experience it myself, that's when I realize you can't just "forget" about someone or move on like just simply throwing away something that you can't keep anymore, cuz we are humans, humans who have feelings, compassion, and most importantly, we have the strongest power in the world, that is, love. Love isn't something that you can easily gain today and throw away tomorrow. And memories, are not fake stories that we create in our mind, it's good and bad things that we experienced that made us who we are today, we can only get rid of it if we have amnesia or Alzheimer's.
So how to continue loving bravely and not be afraid of the "memories"? Acceptance and forgetting your past, let go of the old you, the you that failed, the you that were unhappy or pissed off. No matter what mistakes you made in the past Cannot be changed and it doesn't define who you are Today. Doesn't matter what happened yesterday, doesn't matter what happens to you, what matters is what are you gonna do about it. You can't change the fact that you fell and got hurt, but you can choose whether you want to continue crying over the wound or get up and keep in mind that scars makes you stronger,scars are prove that you survived. Still need to constantly remind myself to stop blaming myself for the mistakes I made, and instead,use the "Today" wisely, find ways to improve instead of staying in my comfort zone and letting my past define who I am. Time is one of the magical things in the world, it never stops, and it can also make something slowly fade away, they say that time heals, that's true. But at the same time we have to learn to be Patient. Be patient and just go with the flow, when the time is right, you'll be able to fully let go of the things that makes you sad or you'll finally achieve your dreams, whatever it is, when the time is right, we will get it, trying to "force" time is definitely Not a solution, the more you force it, the tougher it gets.
Don't really know what points i'm trying to list out, but one thing is for sure, the Zahir written by Paulo Coelho helped me take a bigger step to moving on. It taught me that you can love someone, Always. But that doesn't mean that you have to be with that person, there are many ways to love and appreciate someone. What's truly precious is that you've loved each other before and that love was real, beautiful memories were created, it can't be forgotten or repeated, but it happened, and it made them who they are today, growing into better versions of each other. The power of love is so strong and cannot be contained and there are so many ways to express it, it is not limited to one person only. From today onward, I want to stop pitying myself, stop missing the old you, the old me, stop living in the past, learn to forgive myself, and continue spreading love cuz it makes people happy and it makes me happy.
"Love is a disease no one wants to get rid of. Those who catch it never try to get better, and those who suffer do not wish to be cured."
